Life has a way of trimming your dreams. Things happen--you don't get to finish your degree--your dream job doesn't materialize or you have to move, etc. There are going to be times you feel discouraged when a child you want to help doesn't seem to care or you just can't get the parents involved.
The one thing I hope you can take away from this blog is the idea that no matter what happens in life, it can be life changing for your future. What you see now as "extreme disappointment" may eventually be the turning point for your future.
If you can retain that tiny speck of "I will use this experience in a positive way mantra", you can overcome and accomplish so much.
My Life Experiences that changed me forever:
I was about 26 years old and had always worked in business. I was an efficient typist, organizer and great multi-tasker. But I was so bored with my life. One day I had a chance to quit my job and still receive unemployment. I grabbed the chance faster than you can say Kentucky Fried Chicken! I had dreams of relaxing and trying to figure out what i really wanted to do with my life--I was truly clueless. Since I don't do idle well I decided to volunteer at the local elementary school. They quickly put me to work with a third grade teacher who was a wonderful and gentle man but a terrible disciplinarian. We became a team as I was good at discipline despite having no background in education, I had good instincts about children. It helped that I started to volunteer every day until they hired me. I simply fell in love with the kids.
It was only part time work but it was enough to keep me going. The second year there was a young boy named Gilbert who had been kicked out of school every year since kindergarten. How do you suspend a 6 year old? Gilbert was a tough Hispanic boy who had so many wounds hidden inside. The school only saw defiance and put him with the strictest third grade teacher we had--she would whip him into shape! She kicked him out three weeks later and they gave him to us. Figured that a man teacher would be "good for him". As always, we had 35 kids in our classroom and working with a new school model of small group teaching. I often stayed beyond the paid hours to make sure everything got accomplished. We slightly groaned with the addition of a kid we knew was going to pose problems. Poor Gilbert was already prejudged and he was only 8 years old.
He swaggered into our room as if to say "think what you want--I don't care". There was something about him I admired--maybe his courage to face us or just the fact the world hadn't completely broken him showed me somewhere this child was loved. It wasn't a good beginning as he was rude, obnoxious and disruptive. I always gave the kids three tries before they lost their recess. Gilbert usually lost his by 10 o'clock. The worse part was that was my recess too so we sat together on the bench outside. One day after about 3 weeks of losing recess, I mentioned to him that this was my break time and when I sat with him, I was losing my free time. I don't know why I thought he would care! He turned to me with that sly smile and said "Good! I'm glad you are suffering too!"
One day after about three weeks his mother walked into volunteer in the classroom. This small group concept was based on parents/community volunteers working with kids one on one. I could see she was apprehensive and I went outside to talk to her about our program. This lovely woman proceeded to tell me right off she knew what everyone thought about Gilbert and that she must be a terrible mother! Before I could protest she continued to tell me that he really was a sweet boy but her husband was hard on him. No matter how well he did on something, he would remind him of what he needed to be better at as second best wasn't going to get it in the world for a Hispanic man. She just wanted someone to give Gilbert a fresh start and since he hadn't been suspended yet, thought maybe we were that chance. My heart just broke listening to her and I told her if she would work with me and that meant leaving any school problems at school, I would promise to call her each night if there were problems so she would know what to expect from Gilbert. I told him he needed home to be a safe place to vent but I just needed her to stay neutral. She could remind him she had faith he would work it out. She said she would work on her husband to do the same.
We made progress that first 7 weeks but it was in very tiny increments. By week 6 I was working with Gilbert in the middle math group and while he difficulties in reading, he really was smart in math. I realized he was just bored and a bored Gilbert got into trouble. So I talked my teacher into taking him into the high math group to give him a chance to challenge his abilities. When I first told Gilbert, I could see his eyes get big in disbelief and then that defiant tone "too much work...stupid bunch of kids in there.." I stayed calm and agreed while all that might be true, he was just too smart for my group and besides, I never knew him to be afraid of a challenge! Of course he proceeded to tell me he wasn't afraid of anything and he'd try that dumb group but if he wanted out I needed to let him out! I agreed and gently reminded him I had faith in him and he was going to do just fine.
Gilbert put his mind to success - "show those other kids he wasn't dumb" and made amazing progress in math. You could tell his self esteem inching up. I called his mom and told her to make sure his dad praised him and say nothing about his reading needing to improve too!
By week 10 he was only missing recess about twice a week! He still wasn't allowed to be rude to me or other kids and I would use humor with him when possible. He had a quick wit for comebacks and I always reminded him I liked his ideas if he said them in a way that wasn't mean spirited.
In the beginning of November I was trying to find a way to get my kids to read a book for pleasure. The only way to bring up the ability of slow readers is to get them to read. But why read if it is painfully slow to you? I decided to do a reading contest and divide it up into three reading groups so the kids only competed at their own level. How many pages a book had was determined by your group level. Two winners from each group would be taken out to an ice cream parlor.
Gilbert was barely in the middle reading group but he loved competition. I told them two comic books could rate as one book for his group. When they completed their book they would come to me with the book and I would ask them random questions to make sure they had read the whole book. After the first two comic books presented by Gilbert I handed him a biography book about a Hispanic ball player as he loved sports. I told him I thought he might like this book but of course it was a hard book and would count as two books if he wanted to try it out. He took it mumbling it was probably written by some gringo, but he took it! When he came to tell me about the book I didn't even get to ask questions as he started in with "did you know...." Then he just walked away and said I knew any other books like that one, he'd read it!
Needless to say he won in his group. For the first time Gilbert was going to a field trip as a reward! When the ice cream parlor came out with drums and sparklers to announce our group I saw all my kids sit up straighter and no one with more proud of a look than my Gilbert.
I am not going to say he was easy after that. But he slowly improved and felt better about himself. After February, Gilbert never lost a recess. At the end of the year we had this big sports day with all the 3rd grades. One kids in our class was just a klutz but Gilbert made a point to stand behind him to get any balls that went pass him and then toss it back to the kid to make the play. I saw him talking to him and smiling and the kid smiling back. One teacher asked who that kid was and I said Gilbert...THAT Gilbert? she asked in amazement! The strict teacher who had kicked him out came beside her and asked how we turned him around. I just smiled and said it was amazing what love could do!
Gilbert changed how I saw kids forever. In the years to come I would meet many Gilberts but I would remind myself to not just look on the outside but to try and find a way inside.
When I walked into that classroom to volunteer, I did not know it would lead me to a career where from that day on I worked with kids. My life was side railed and I just wanted something different.
I wouldn't become a nanny for another 22 years but I would work with delinquents in a school setting, start a non profit group of teens that worked with racial harmony issues and advocate for children for the rest of my life.
You asked how do I work with children and parents in difficult situations. I no longer see "difficult--I feel only the adrenaline rush of a challenge and see only someone that needs something I have to give. I might not know what it is in the beginning, but by the time I leave, I have found that one small ability inside of me that the family needed.
No life experience needs to be wasted.
So if you choose to be a nanny and you come across a family that is not a good fit for you but you must work till the end of the contract, write down what you can learn from the job. Take the high road during conflict and be the professional. Whatever you are learning from that job whether it is things to include next time in your contract, understanding what questions you need to ask next time before you say "yes", it will be valuable experience.
Don't get discouraged - just get wiser.
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